Baby Pink

If you could peer into an expecting mother’s diary, what do you think you’ll find? Her excitement over the baby’s first kick? Her unending list of baby names? Or her nauseating account of morning sickness?

Here’s a woman sharing her tales of the baby bump. What do you think you’ll find?

Week 9

Hello, little one!

Today, your godmother gifted me this journal. Yes, your godmother! Well, she assigned herself the title, I didn’t have any say in this matter. But trust me when I tell you this – she’ll be the best fucking godmother you’ll ever have!

I went to a new gynaec today – the one your godmother suggested. Dr. Hema D’Souza is a very sweet woman. She didn’t throw your mother condescending looks like the other doctors. She understood me.

You’ll understand me too, right? I know you will.

The only other soul who understands my decision is your godmother. She’s the best, truly the best. You are lucky to have her!

On our way back from the hospital, she gave me this pregnancy journal and asked me to write down my thoughts, feelings and anything that I would want to share with you. Maybe some day I’ll read this to you while you sit on my lap. That would be fucking perfect, wouldn’t it?

Oh shit Oh no, I just realised I’ve used swear words. I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I’m crossing it out now. I won’t use such words around you. In fact, I won’t ever use those words. I promise.

 

Week 10

Jaya Didi brought her one-year-old son home. She didn’t have anyone to take care of him, so she brought him here. I looked after him, as she cleaned our home and two other flats in the building. He was a very sweet, obedient boy. You would love to play with him. His name was Tipu. She had named him after Tipu Sultan.

What name do I give you? Would you like a warrior’s name too? I know you deserve a warrior’s name. Or should I name you after something gentle, like a flower? Or something that’s life-giving, like a river?

 

Week 11

Dr. Hema D’Souza said you are now the size of a lemon. I have made a lemon-size human! I am so proud.

I went home and found a lemon in the kitchen. It was the cutest lemon I had ever seen. It was so tiny in my palm. You must be so tiny too. I cradled it lovingly as if it were you.

I planted the lemon seeds in a pot. Can’t wait to see the sapling!

 

Week 12

Did I hurt you, baby?

I slipped in the bathroom today, sweetheart. I was so scared for you. I rushed to the hospital. Dr. Hema D’Souza said you were fine, but I wasn’t convinced. I persuaded her to do a series of tests. She did and now I know you are certainly fine. I could finally breathe normal.

But, did I hurt you, baby? I’m so sorry. I’ll be more careful. I’ll never hurt you again. I promise.

 

Week 13

You are growing, sweetheart…

My bump is starting to show. I met our neighbour Padma aunty, as I was coming back from work. She took a double glance at my stomach. Throughout our conversation on the frequent power outages in the apartment building, she was only scanning my stomach. I know she suspects.

I wanted to tell her, I wanted to tell her about you. But I couldn’t. She would never understand.

But you’ll understand me, won’t you?

 

Week 14

Today is my birthday! You know what your godmother gifted me? A book of baby names! There are lots of beautiful names in it. I don’t know what to pick! I’m only more confused now. I wish I could ask you for suggestions.

Isn’t it sad, sweetheart, that children have to live with the name their parents have set?

 

Update on the plant: It’s been three weeks, but the seeds haven’t sprouted. What am I doing wrong?!

 

Week 15

As I returned from work, there was a huge gathering right in front of our apartment gate, blocking my way in. It looked like some kind of a protest. Did they finally decide to speak up against the power cuts in the neighbourhood? Of course not, because I saw someone hold up a sign that read ‘Abortion is crime against humanity’. It was an anti-abortion protest. Why were they here though?

Then I noticed Rodrick sir, our society chairman, standing in the front of this gathering and screaming slogans at top of his voice. Seeing me, he quickly came over and helped me make my way into the building. He must be 65 years old, but he’s very active, social and super-sweet. He explained to me that they were actually protesting against the hospital next to our apartment building. Bloom Fertility Hospital is known for medically approved abortions.

He said: “There are so many abortions these days no, beta. That’s why we are protesting to make it illegal. We should stop killing poor babies. I don’t know how someone can harm a poor baby?”

Hmm true, I don’t know how someone can harm a poor baby. When I slipped that day in the bathroom, my heart literally stopped. I was so, so scared. Even the slightest possibility that I might have hurt you was unbearable to me. How can any one kill their own baby!

 

Week 16

Yesterday, Jaya didi brought Tipu again. Did I tell you these days Jaya didi’s eyes are redder and gloomier? Well, yesterday they were a lot redder and gloomier. She’s been crying a lot. I talked to her. She told me her story.

Her husband had left her when she was only two months pregnant with Tipu. When her parents advised her to abort, she didn’t pay heed to them. She thought she’ll at least have her Tipu and went on to have him. Now she’s raising him without anybody’s support.

She said: “When I was pregnant with him, everybody told me that by having him, I was ruining my life. Nobody ever told me that by having him, I was ruining his life. If I did, I wouldn’t have had him. I wouldn’t have brought that child into this wretched world.

Isn’t it sad, didi, that children have to live with the mistakes their parents have made?”

I told her about you. She was first shocked, then saddened, but she smiled when she said, “I hope life would be different for you at least, didi.” But it wasn’t a happy smile. It was a pained smile.

 

Week 17

Padma aunty came to our apartment today. If you thought that was unusual, guess what! She also brought some home-made halwa!

I invited her in for tea. She came in and started happily chatting about her son’s college grades. When I came back from the kitchen carrying a tray with two cups, I caught her stealthily putting away a book.

After she left, I walked up to the magazine rack to see the book she tossed on the top of the pile. It was the book of baby names.

 

Update on the plant: The lemon seeds aren’t sprouting. They should have by now. I looked up on the internet. I learnt that the lemons from supermarket sometimes have sterile seeds. Anyway I’m going to give it a couple more weeks and then maybe throw them away.

 

Week 18

Everyone in the apartment is treating me differently. I hear their muffled giggles and whispers constantly. My clothes are much longer and looser than before, and yet I find them staring at my stomach and pointing to it. Am I becoming paranoid?

Jaya didi has left the job. She didn’t even tell me. She sent another housemaid to pass on the news that she had moved to another city far from here, in hope of a fresh start for her and Tipu. I was shocked. I couldn’t understand why. Why would she leave! And, the housemaid said: ‘She has a fatherless child. What else can she do, madam?’

 

Week 19

Today, I got to see you! You were waving your tiny little hands, and looking at me from the black-and-white monitor. Dr. Hema D’Souza declared you a healthy baby. I walked home happily, with a picture from the ultrasound scan.

As I entered our building, I heard Rodrick Sir talking to the watchmen. They were discussing how happy they are that they got rid of Jaya didi and her bastard son for good. Bastard son? He’s the one who advocated for anti-abortion. But he abruptly stopped talking when he saw me. Nevertheless, I waved a polite hi at him but he turned away.

I’m a little scared, sweetheart. But I’m going to be brave for you.

 

Week 20

I’m sorry, baby! I’m so sorry! I had to do what I had to do. The past weeks have been hell. I can’t bring you into this world – this wretched world filled with people like Rodrick Sir and Padma aunty.

One raises anti-abortion slogans and then calls the child a bastard, the other acts innocent and coy and then spews venomous words behind your back. They’ll never let us be happy. They’ll never let you be happy. Bastard is what they’ll call you. They’ll remind you every minute of your life about the mistake your mother did.

Yes, what I did was a mistake and I can’t change that now. But what I can change now is stop myself from unloading the burden of my mistake onto you.

You understand me, right? I know you do.

 

Update on the plant: Several tiny, lemon plant saplings have sprouted.

Why did I decide to name it Baby Pink? 

Because Baby Pink is a colour that reminds you of chubby cheeks, cute blankets, plush toys and Johnson & Johnson baby powder.